I am single! And I am loving
every moment of it. Do I miss companionship? Of course, I do! It is but natural
to seek companionship and intimacy and I am no different from the rest of you. At
the seasoned age of 39 (well, not really but I’ll turn 39 in less than a month
so what the heck!), I have had the good fortune of being in some wonderful
relationships. I have grown thanks to the lessons learnt and now, in hindsight,
I am truly grateful to all these relationships that did not result in
permanency.
This gratitude, however, has
developed over a period of time. It wasn’t there during those break-ups. At
those sensitive junctures of life, more often than not, I was filled with a feeling
of emptiness. In some cases, it was relief but mostly, like others, I too went
through the common five phases of a break-up i.e Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression,
and finally Acceptance. Today, the reason I decided to pen down my thoughts is
primarily because I found out the number one reason I felt what I felt at that
time. And the reason was that I tried too hard! Way too hard! Mind you, this doesn’t
imply that I was overbearing in ANY of my relationships; Nope, that never
happened. But I did take a lot of decisions keeping in mind the happiness and
needs of my partner, rather than doing what I felt was right. A lot of this was
internal. It was a constant struggle to try and become what you perceived your partner wanted
you to become rather than seek acceptance for who you are. In the process, I
lost myself, not once but many times. Each time, it was a different set of
changes that I chose to undergo so I never could take an objective view of the
situation, and notice recurring patterns.
There’s something about trying
too hard that remains hidden over the course of a relationship. In the
beginning you just fail to see it because you feel that your efforts will bring
a smile on your partner’s face and that smile is all that matters. Before long
you start to realize that the sheer effort you put into pleasing your partner
becomes the norm rather than the exception and then you start trying even
harder. One can argue that I should have drawn the line well in advance but it
is difficult to implement. And when one is smitten by their partner, it becomes
practically impossible to observe your actions. Then, all of a sudden, it hits
you like a thunderbolt! You start behaving erratically because of the constant
internal debate that rages on during every moment of your consciousness. It
causes sleepless nights, erratic behavior, anger and dissatisfaction. Finally,
one day, it explodes in your face. Believe me when I tell you that none of this
has anything to do with your companion. For all you know, he/she would never
have asked for you to put in so much effort. It is all to do with you and only
you! It is your choice, and your feeling of inadequacy that more often than not
leads to such situations. All of this comes from one root cause: Self-worth; or
rather the lack of it!
Self-worth stems from being
comfortable in your own skin without being delusional. It is often mistaken for
many negative traits: Rigidity, Selfishness, Conceit, Arrogance and what not. It
isn’t any of these. Self-worth is part of the larger picture which is painted
by Self-love. Self-love isn’t easy. It is tough on you. Whilst it encourages
you to remain comfortable in your own zone, it is constantly pushing you to
expand that zone. It is a constant dialogue between You and You. Self-love, at
its heights, embraces any form of change no matter how disruptive without
throwing you off balance. This is because it has instilled within you a never-wavering
confidence that says ‘I am bigger than any of the challenges my life throws at
me’. People with a high sense of self-love often find themselves radically
different from the rest of the world. This is because they don’t seek
ratification or approval from society for their actions. In other words, they don’t
try too hard to please people around them. They either attract fierce loyalists
or condescending conformists. The common
society disses their way of life yet secretly admires them. What they don’t understand,
acknowledge or embrace is that Self-love didn’t happen overnight! It happened
over several scorching days and stormy nights. People on the outside see only the
end result. It’s like watching a top sportsperson in action. The audience only sees
them for those moments seldom realizing the sweat and toil that went into
becoming a champion. People with Self-love are their own champions. They give
from a position of strength and immense gratitude which in turn has a lasting
influence on whomever they touch. They may not be the most successful people in
the world but that doesn’t matter to them. What matters is that they are led by
an innate need to improve themselves for their own reasons.
Self-preservation is often confused
with Self-love. The two are different. The former is only interested in the well-being
of oneself while the latter is interested in growth. Self-Preservation is only
interested in receiving. Self-love demands a healthy balance between giving and
receiving. Only then can growth happen. In your own sphere of personal
relationships, the balance between giving and receiving can only take place
when you don’t try too hard. It is something we must all strive for.
I would like to believe that I have embarked on my own journey to discover Self-love. Have you?
